Monday, December 28, 2009

Tiger Woods humor piece 2: The Lost Column

Golf Digest is loosening its ties to Tiger Woods, suspending his monthly instructional golf articles while Woods is on leave from professional golf.
“Tiger Gets A Timeout,” Keith Kelley, NY Post, December 23, 2009

Dear Diary,

Are you there, golf? It’s me, Tiger.


I think it was Keats, or maybe Nick Faldo, who said, “There is nothing stable in the world; uproar’s your only music.” So true. Taking a break from golf has wounded me not a whit; even Da Man has to pay Da Piper. But getting my byline cut — I would rather miss the cut at St. Andrews. It is cruelty itself. A more hateful revenge than all the obvious puns about my bad driving and “scoring average.” Woody has always needed a pencil to express himself, the scorecard only the most famed medium.

And thus I return to you, dear diary. It’s been many years since you were my little black book. You will, I trust, forgive my infidelity, my crassness — $3 mil a year to churn out mass entertainments about the backswing, weight shift and (the horror!) chipping was too much temptation for a man so weak. Oh! How I longed to write about the loneliness of the road (snicker if you will, but the flesh was always cold comfort…even when the sex was hot), the heaven-sent scent of the azaleas at Augusta, the dark nights of the soul when swing flaws were the least of my troubles.

What did my editor demand? Putting tips.

I know why the caged birdie sings….

Today I am free. Free! Free to write again about whatever strikes my fancy. To become again the inquisitive boy who would slice drives into the trees just to see what was there. To rekindle my passion for poetry. To chase Lord Byron instead of Byron Nelson, Neruda not Nicklaus!

But not now, dear diary, for I hear my lawyers and flaks at the door. I pray only that Harry Reid has not made public my emails in support of a public healthcare option. For then, truly, am I screwed.

Back soon,

Tiger Woods humor piece 1: Caublinasian Anti-Defamation League Formed

Caublinasian Anti-Defamation League (CBIAADL) Formed

Tiger Woods is still one of us…but only one of us, says new organization’s spokesman

NEW YORK, N.Y., December 28, 2009 – Hello, world. Now stop mocking us.

That’s the message being sent by the newly formed Caublinasian Anti-Defamation League (CBIAADL). The non-profit organization was created in response to the spate of negative stereotypes arising from the Tiger Woods imbroglio that began when the star golfer crashed his SUV within his gated community in the early-morning hours of November 27.

“When Tiger Woods was an unimpeachable role model — hailed as a champion golfer, loving husband, doting father, dutiful son — the Caublinasian community was happy to stand in the gallery, as it were, and let Mr. Woods be our public face,” says CBIAADL founder Whitney D’Shawn Singh-Kim. “However, in light of distressing recent events, we can no longer permit this be the case. We are being attacked like a short par-5 hole. Too many Caublinasians are being targeted for ridicule, harrumphing and sideways glances.”

Mr. D’Shawn Singh-Kim continued: “The simple fact is, we are not all two-faced serial philanderers with out-of-control libidos and a weakness for cocktail waitresses, nightclub shills, party girls, fame-seeking bimbos, would-be models, quasi-madams, teenage checkout girls, porn stars, bottle blondes and various combinations thereof. Indeed, only one of us is alleged to be. Likewise, neither are most Caublinasians inclined to hire creepy, soon-to-be-indicted doctors for ‘plasma therapy,’ whatever that is. And yet our entire community is being painted with this broad brush by the media. We will no longer stand for it.”

In a surprise move, Mr. Woods endorsed CBIAADL and its goals even after his founding membership application was denied by Mr. D’Shawn Singh-Kim. “I am pleased to learn that no man is an island,” he sent via text message.

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About the Caublinasian Anti-Defamation League (CBIAADL)

Wielding the power of boycotts, sit-ins, letters to the editor and message-board rants, CBIAADL is committed to securing justice and fair treatment for its community through advocacy, education, information, legislation and shameless publicity stunts.

For further information contact:
Evan Rothman
Founding partner, ERPR